The smashing pumpkins have always eluded me, having been born a year after their debut album released. I grew up listening to rock music, following the footsteps of my older cousin who loved the pumpkins. Besides adoring “1979”, I was pretty intimidated by them. They seemed too.. intense and smart for me, even though no other band has ever seemed that way to me before. I think I projected the sort of reverence I felt for my cousin onto them. He was always a little too great for me to cling to, I admired him more than I could understand. He was always out of reach. He always wore his ZERO shirt in high school. He took his own life last summer, I was devastated. I got to keep one of the shirts in his closet, and I picked his ZERO shirt, though not really feeling much like a SP fan yet. It’s sat in the back of my closet for months until a few months ago, while looking for clothes, I felt hypnotically compelled to grab a hold of the shirt and just.. be with it. Later that week, amongst his old collection of books and dvd’s his family has kept, I found the music video collection and decided to watch it instinctively. I was immediately so impressed. I had no idea Gish was so beautiful. I’m so in love. I just wish I could ask him what he thought of these songs. The CD for Mellon Collie is kept in the cabinet with his ashes. I know their music comforted him a lot in his life. Thank you smashing pumpkins.