I'm 21 now, I've been listening to the Pumpkins since I was 8. So technically I've been a fan for more than half of my life thus far.
I have a sister who is about 5 years older than me. So naturally when I was a kid, her musical tastes were far superior to my own. I was in my angry "I only want to listen to it if it's loud" phase at the time. My sister had a cassette tape a friend had made her with the pumpkins on it. It was mostly songs off of Melancholy and then a few extras I think she requested. She handed it to me one day because she said that I would most likely enjoy their "heavier" stuff. Like was an understatement. I fell head over heels in love. I never gave the tape back. Since then I feel like I've purchased all the various albums time and time again. Over the years via moving, borrowing to friends, flat out breaking them or over listening to have all caused me to need to purchase multiple copies. The invention of the ipod and digital music should have been the cure to my problem, but I'm a sentimental junkie and I feel the need to have physical copies at all times.
Since I was a major outcast at school my sister let me hang out with her friends on the weekends and what not. It was awesome having a huge group of friends that were all at least 5 years older than myself. I was pseudo adopted as the little sister of the group and it was never questioned ever again. When we hung out one of the only things we could agree on musically was the Pumpkins. So I have a million memories in cars, hanging out in basements, and endless afternoons that are all ingrained in my head with the Pumpkins as a soundtrack. That was absolutely the happiest time of my life. These people were the most wonderfully gifted, hilarious, loving people I have ever met.
The Pumpkins broke up in 2000 when I was in 7th grade. I found out when I was watching WGN news before I went to school. When I got there I met up with my friend Jajara who was the only other person I knew who liked the band. When we locked eyes on the school ground we both started to cry and held each other in a long embrace crying our eyes out. Something we both loved so much had just died and to our young and fragile hearts it was overwhelming. My friend, in a total miracle move, scored us tickets to go see their last performance at the metro. But I was only in 7th grade and my mom wasn't about to let me go unsupervised. I begged and pleaded and cried. She still said no. She really had no idea how big of a deal it was. The night of the show Q101 broadcast it live on the Radio. I remember laying in my bed hugging my favorite stuffed animal crying the whole night. My mom came in and tried to talk to me, but I just wasn't having it. I'm pretty sure she considered putting me in a psych ward after that
Til this day my mom apologizes for not letting me go. NOW she realizes what a big deal it really was.
When I hit high school most of my friends moved on. Going to college, getting jobs and eventually getting married and having kids. It was impossible for me to let go because I was the only one being left behind. Luckily for me, Joe, one of the guys in the group decided to stick around for a while before taking off and going to college. He would meet me at school and we'd go back to his place and hang out in his basement listening to the Pumpkins. He was the biggest fan I had ever met. He wore an old pumpkins shirt every day that looked like it was about to burst at the seams. He also had every single, every album, every import, and every everything you could possibly think of pertaining to the band. I fell head over heels in love with him. I had always known my feelings for him, but it was a deep secret I kept due to the age difference. Once I told him, it turned out the feelings were mutual. We had a very cautious, unofficial relationship for a while. I couldn't have been happier. Then the time came for him to go off to College and completely devastate my heart. At that point, the Pumpkins became my only comfort and helped me mourn the loss of the person I loved most. Even now it's a little hard to listen to Drown without choking up slightly.
My grandfather and I had an interesting relationship. He lived with my family and helped out a lot when my parents were gone. He was like a 2nd father to me. He would always indulge me and let me listen to my music in his car. He thought the bands that I listened to all had funny names. His favorite: The Smashing Pumpkins. Every time I said it he would laugh. He also kept an eye out on TV. Any time he heard anything about them or Billy Corgan he would come running into our part of the house and inform me of what he just heard. He was silly like that. He was the only family member that embraced my purple hair and black lip stick that was my chosen style of the time. He also was the only family member that didn't make fun of my every year when I would bake Billy Corgan a birthday cake and make a big birthday dinner for the family.
My grandpa was diagnosed with cancer when I was in 7th grade. He battled with it, pretty successfully for years. I loved him more than I ever could have realized. 2 days before my 18th birthday he passed away. I've never felt such huge devastation in my life. This was worse than the boy I love leaving for college. This was worse than my totally favorite band breaking up. This was irreversible. This was heart shattering. This was total and absolute desolation. The first day of the wake I guess I had some kind of nervous break down. I sat in a chair in front of the casket for 9 hours straight. No one could get me to move, speak or eat. I just sat there. Alone. I don't remember it at all, so I can't tell you what I was thinking. It only felt like maybe an hour to me. I only found out how long I had been sitting there after the fact when someone told me.
After losing my grandfather on such a huge milestone in my life, I shut down. I wasn't sleeping anymore. Most of the time I was calling people to talk to all night long. But nobody else had a reason to stay awake like I did, so I would end up alone in the early hours of the morning. So I would put my headphones on and hope let the Pumpkins soothe me into the few hours of sleep I could hope for.
After turning 18, one of the first major things I did was get my first tattoo. The SP heart. It wasn't just about the band anymore. It wasn't just about great music, or awesome lyrics. It was about a band that I had counted on during the best and worst parts of my life. It was about my amazing friends who I always wanted to carry with me. It was about my grandpa and the laughter and joy he had brought to my life. It was about me, the person I used to be, the person I was, and the person I hoped to become. I haven't regretted that tattoo for an instant and I'm not sure I ever will. Hopefully it will be complete one day when I get Billy to sign it and have that added to the tattoo.
As of right now I'm going through College. It's a long, stressful and kind of lonely process for me. I'm a photo major and so the Pumpkins really come in handy when you're spending long days alone in the dark room. I also tend to use the Pumpkins to drown out the deafening noise of the train during my commute. They truly are a part of my every day life.
I'm planning on having a Melancholy and the infinite sadness themed Wedding. Drawing Inspiration from the Cover art and the tonight tonight music video. I'm going to walk down the isle to the 1st track off the album and and plan on having the ceremony and reception at The Metro. It's another mile stone I hope the band can help me mark through their music.
I've still never seen them Live. I've been patiently (and not so patiently) waiting for them to come back to Chicago since they've reunited. I don't have a lot of money nor do I have a car. So traveling to see them is just 100% out of the question. The closest I ever got was to see Zwan at Jamboree that Q101 hosted. which I think was in 2001 or 2002. I know a million people who have had Billy Corgan encounters in and around the City. He's even shopped at the best buy at which my boyfriend works. However, I've never been so lucky. It's like some sort of mysterious curse. The person I want to meet most just simply keeps eluding me.
So THATS why I'm a Smashing Pumpkins Fan-atic! My past, present and probably my future has all been immortalized in some way by their music. I only hope that some day I get the chance to meet the man behind the music and give him a Thank You for the huge impact that this band has had on my life.